"Well, yes, I was the one that offered-" [insert the groans of other office members listening behind the wall] "WHAT?! How could you! After all the work we did to stop him from talking to you!"
Oh I see. I can't do anything for myself. I remember now, it's all coming back. It's amazing how I made it to 28 years old, I mean, that whole growing up thing. I'm surprised I was able to stay alive with all the dangers in the world. I should really be wearing knee pads and a football helmet.
I mean, really! This advice comes from the chic who DRAGS me to help her stalk this cat who has yet to even look in her direction. Then makes me wait outside the bar in the cold so that it looks like she is "alone." And do I say anything. No. I can't, its like talking to a brick wall. But she is giving me love advice?
And here's my favorite advice memory. Ahhhh. It brings a tickle to my tummy just thinking about it. Oh wait. That's nausea. I had invited a friend from Chicago to visit me and my then fiancé. Yes, the same guy talked about in the above paragraphs.
She wanted to go to the Science Museum exhibit "Body Works" - you know, the people with no skin. Yeah. First mistake. So, I'm standing there, right. Amidst skinless reproductive organs and unborn babies wondering why the Sam Hell I let her talk me into this.
And as her boyfriend (her proclaimed "the best boyfriend in the whole wide blue world and can NEVER EVER do anything wrong") goes to look at the fetuses, she springs this on me:
"You need to break up with Jamie."
"Um….. Excuse me?"
"I'm scared for you. You aren't the same Elizabeth."
"You aren't you anymore. Your apartment doesn't even have an 'Elizabeth' feel"
"Wait. Huh? 'Elizabeth feel?' I have no furniture. It's at my parent's house. That stuff IS Jamie's."
"You mom is the same way with your dad. They should divorce. I don't like how she treats him and Jamie treats you the same way. I'm just trying to save you."
Ok, you have got to be kidding me. As if staring at skinless dead people wasn't bad enough. She insults my family. My Sicilian family.
I am so angry and I can't even avert my eyes from her tear filled ones. Because all I see around me are male body parts. Just dangling there. With no skin.
"If you ever want to get away….." She continues. "You can live with me."
Great…. Are you going to cut the crusts off my bread too? Ooooo! Can I wear the pink diapers with the princesses on the front?? Oh please, oh please, oh please?!
Oh yeah. The car ride home was super fun!
For the love of all that is good and holy! Are you people MAD??! I mean, do I have "Help Me I'm Lost" written on my forehead. Because if so, I can't see it. It must be karma. It's playing around with me again. I am surrounded by crazies.
Crazies wearing "mommy" aprons and handing me a plate of half baked BS wondering why I'm not hungry. "Now eat up Liz or there won't be any desert for you…" Yeah right.
So this is to all you advice givers. If we normal people ask for advice, feel free to give it. If we don't ask, well then don't offer, because you will make us feel like toddlers.
Drooling toddlers with filled diapers. Oh. And that reminds me of another story……
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