Ok. So this has been really bugging me. Bugging me like a bug, as my dad would say. But I'm so so so tired of stupid movie premises.
And I'm not talking about little movie mistakes, like Data wearing a Sherlock Homes hat and smoking a pipe, when a robot would know that Sherlock actually didn't do any of that. Yeah I watched the Star Trek movies. Wow. I'm such a geek. But that is another story altogether. Cough.
Anyway, I go to see the movie Poseidon. And after realizing I would have died at any point if I was one of those 6 people left, I thought about the premise itself. I mean, I can't hold my breath that long or swim or be carried or have balance and upper body strength. But I'm thinking, would I even have to get that far?
I mean the movie made sense in like 1980. But now, it doesn't. Why? Because of the little invention of the CELL PHONE. Dude. Was the only cell phone on the whole 3000 foot boat the one that Mr. Holland's Opus threw into the ocean? Because mine has GPS tracking.
And the way these things are made, you can have all your bars and make a call on the moon. Let alone a couple of hundred feet in the ocean. I would be on the phone the second we tipped.
"Um. Coast Guard please. ….Sure, I'll hold, I'll be here a while."
"Yeah…… 1st Lt. Riker? Hi. How are you? ………I'm fine. Just a little boat problem. Yeah…… My cruise ship capsized…… Yeah…… Uh-huh…… Something about a rouge wave…. Yeah, I couldn't believe either…… Uh-huh…… Uh-huh…… Um. Well I hate to cut this short, but can you send like a ship and a crane and maybe some life preservers to these coordinates. Thanks. ……Have a good night too. Happy New Year."
See. Problem solved. And answer me this. The whole boat is without power, right? That's why the radios didn't work, that and they were underwater and such. But why the hell do the propellers still work?? I mean, isn't that a little odd that they are still running when the ship sensed it was disabled and I'm sure they have measuring devices to judge ship's position to the horizon.
If it's upside down, you would think that the propellers would turn off. You know, I'm not a engineer or anything, so what do I know… sheesh.
But let's go a little old school now. Final Destination. Who thought of this, and what level of grade school did they finish? Ok. Premise is that Death is a little upset when a couple of rag tag kids swindle out of dying. Those pesky kids, and their cheating death and 8-track tapes!
So Death decides to avenge his pride by slowly killing each kid in the most asinine ways. Like with falling glass, birds and construction equipment. On one kid. I mean that's over kill. Death apparently has WAY too much time on his hands. You know, it's not like he's got hundreds of millions people dying everyday to occupy his time. He has to go after the ones that got away. Death is so selfish. And he needs anger management classes, or a stress ball, something.
But what doesn't make sense is that people cheat death like all the time. It's call penicillin.
"Hey Elizabeth, what seems to be the problem today?"
"Well you know that 'thing' that happened before. Well it's back. And I think I need some antibiotics……um…."
"Now, Elizabeth, I don't want to have this conversation again with you. Here. Take this to the pharmacist."
"Thanks, Doc!" as I flip the thumbs-up sign.
And when I leave the office, little do I know that Death is mightily steamed. Steamed enough to KILL…… oooooo….. Meanwhile, an elevator filled with glass from the plastic surgeon's office, and used scalpels and other biohazard unmentionables, breaks the cable holding it up and it crashes to the ground. The same elevator, by chance, pure chance, I'm about to get on. So when the elevator doors open, there isn't any elevator.
But I don't notice it because I'm reading the pamphlet "Penicillin is Your Friend" and topple the 15 floors to what would be my end. But no. That's not enough for Death to be satisfied. Not only am I stabbed by all the scalpels and glass and obviously disease-ridden from the biohazard stuff, but the building suffers a freak structural accident due to poorly constructed lamps on the 5 floor lobby and the beams in the elevator shaft, yes the same one I am in, weaken from the electrical heat.
They break apart, and spear down in all their rusty steal glory. Thereby, not only crushing me, but making me completely unrecognizable where the coroner needs to use the tattoo on my arm to identify me.
Death then laughs.
I mean, come on now. Do you think Death chases people who survived, I don't know, um, the FLU? Because people died from that you know. A long time ago. Or the common cold, people died from that to.
Jeeze, people died from not washing their hands. And do you see Death coming after everyone who uses antibacterial lotion? No. Death chasing people who apparently "cheat him" is a stupid premise.
And don't get me started on Disney films. Because animals shouldn't talk or have consciousness. It's a nice thought, don't get me wrong, but it makes for really big movie problems.
The Little Mermaid, for example. I mean, fish talk and have feelings and thoughts and compose music. So Ariel falling for a guy that eats fish is preposterous. It's the equivalent of me bringing home Hannibal Lector.
"Hey mom, I want you to met Hanny. He eats my friends, but I still love him. He's my baby's daddy! We are getting married. Yay me!!"
Or Lion King. Yeah, it has great music, blah blah blah. But what gazelle in it's right mind would totally go and bow before the new lion prince. Sure, they are singing Circle of Life or whatever. But lions eat gazelles.
If I was a gazelle or an antelope or possum or anything that was hunted by the lions, I would not be out there praising his birth, I would be in the "tundra underground" plotting herbivore revolution.
And the lion totally befriends a warthog, which is fine in the beginning since they all ate bugs. But when the lion comes home and starts a family, what's the warthog going to do during dinner? Um, watch as the lions eat his family? That's just plain loony.
As is this article now that I think about it. And Miss Melody warned me not to write about movies. But I never listen to Miss Melody, but that is another story all together….
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