Irish Jokes

Some are old classics you've heard a million times. Others may be new to you. Either way, enjoy these Irish jokes

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Sweeney worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

Sweeney said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.

The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.

He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.

Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church, which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work.

She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips.

Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"

Pat and Mike were doing some street repairs in front of a known house of ill repute in Boston. A Jewish Rabbi came walking down the street, looked the left, looked to right, and ducked into the house.

Pat paused a bit from swinging his pick and said "Mike...will you look at that! A man of the cloth, and going into a place like that in broad daylight!".

A bit later, a Baptist minister came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and scurried into the house. Mike laid down his shovel, turned to Pat and said "Pat! Are you seeing what I'm seeing? A man of the Church, and he's giving that place his custom!"

Just then, a Catholic Priest came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and slipped into the bawdy house.

Pat and Mike straightened up, removed their hats, and Mike says "Faith, and there must be somebody sick in there."

An American tourist was driving in County Kerry, when his motor stopped. He got out to see if he could locate the trouble.

A voice behind him said, "The trouble is the carburetor." He turned around and only saw an old horse. The horse said again, "It's the carburetor that's not working."

The American nearly died with fright, and dashed into the nearest pub, had a large whiskey, and told Murphy the bartender what the horse had said to him.

Murphy said, "Well, don't pay any attention to him, he knows nothing about cars anyway."

Higgins lived in Staten Island, New York, and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night.

One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, So Higgins decided to stop at a nearby pub. Before long he was feeling no pain.

When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Higgins, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.

"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud Higgins to a deck hand.

"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"

The Garda, a disagreeable sort, stops a local farmer on a minor infraction and proceeds to berate the poor man this way and that, dressing him down most unfairly. After the lecture, which the farmer takes well, the constable starts writing the poor man up. While he's writing, he keeps swattin' at flies circling his head.

"The circle flies botherin' ya, are they?" says the farmer.

"Why do ya call 'em circle flies, old man?"

"We call 'em that on the farm 'cause we find 'em flying around and around the harses' behinds." says the farmer.

"Are you callin' me a harse's arse?" snarls the Garda.

"Oh saints, no," protests the farmer. "T'wouldn't think of such a thing." And the Garda goes back to writing.

"...kinda hard to fool the flies, though."

During WW2 a German spy was trained to go to Ireland. "We need to keep an eye on what the Irish are up to," said the Herr Kommandant.

"We will parachute you into Ireland, where you will go to the local town and ask for Murphy. He is your contact. You will say to him, 'The weather could change by Tuesday.' "

The German duly landed in Ireland, buried his parachute and set off for the town. On the way he saw a local farm worker in a field.

"Güt Morg... I mean, Good Morning. Vould you know vair I can find Mister Murphy?"

"Well, Sir," answers the man. " It all depends on which Murphy you want. We have a Father Murphy; a Doctor Murphy; Murphy in the post-office; Murphy the Chemist and, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy."

"Oh mein Gott!" thinks the German. Then he has an idea. He says, "The weather could change by Tuesday!"

A beatific smile of recognition illuminates the Irishman's face.

"Ah," says he, "You'll be wanting Murphy, the spy!"

There is an Old Irish couple, Margaret and Patty. Margaret walks into the living room where Patty is and says, "Patrick, oh I am so proud of you, so proud. Last month, I told you that you were spending too much time at the pub and too much time away from me. Since then you haven't gone to the pub once and stayed home.

I want to do something special for ya, I want to make ya a special dinner, special indeed."

Patty replied, "Oh Margaret, you don't have to do that, don't trouble yourself."

"No, it's no trouble" Margaret insisted, "In fact, when we were on holiday last year, you really enjoyed that Escargot. You go to the store and get them snails and I'll make 'em up for ya."

Patty got excited, "Oh, that would be wonderful!! O.K., o.k. I'll go right away."

So Patty goes to the store to get the snails, but has to pass the pub on the way. As he passes, everyone in the pub starts yelling, "Hey Patty!! Where ya been, Boy? Come on in and let me buy ya a pint!!!

Patty refuses, "No, no, no, no. I've got to get to the store.........No, I've got to go."

They keep it up, "C'mon Patty, just one, let me buy ya one!" Patty answers, No, no, no, I've got to go.

Patty makes it to the store and gets the snails. Well on his way back he has to go passed the pub once again, they start in again, "Hey Patty!! Come on in and let me buy ya a pint!!!

Patty answers, "No, no, no, no. I've got to get home.........No, I've got to go. They beg, "C'mon boy, just one." Patty responds, "No, I've got to go. I've got..........Well..........Just one."

It's 11:00 pm when Patty looks down on his watch. "Oh No!! I've got to go!!" Patty starts running home, he gets to the gate and flings it open and then trips and the snails go flying everywhere.

Margaret hears the ruckus and comes out and yells, "Patty! It's after 11 o'clock! What took ya so long?!? Where ya been?!?"

Patty looks up at Margaret, looks down and sees the snails spread out everywhere, gets up, waves and exclaims,

"Come on Boys, keep it going! WE'RE ALMOST THERE!!!"

On a drive in the country, a city slicker noticed a farmer lifting a pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after another.

"Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about," said the city slicker, "but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn't it save a lot of time?"

"Time?" said the farmer. "What does time matter to a pig?"

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"

The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.

Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."

After the Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."

The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

A wealthy farmer went to church one Sunday. After services he said to the priest, "Father, that was a damned good sermon you gave, damned good!"

"I'm happy you liked it," said the priest. "But I wish you wouldn't use those terms in expressing yourself."

"I can't help it," said the rich farmer. "I still think it was a damned good sermon. In fact, I liked it so much I put a fifty pound note in the collection basket."

"The hell you did?!" replied the priest.

Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obituary.

She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away. She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars.

But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died." The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no charge.

Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Pete died. Boat for sale"

Kathleen Murphy was standing vigil over her husband's death bed. As she held his hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his face, and roused him from his slumber.

He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Kathleen, " he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh, don't talk."

But he was insistent. "Kathleen," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Kathleen.

"It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Kathleen. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother." Kathleen mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand.

"Hush now Patrick, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

Top of Page

Back to Jokes