Furtive glances, brooding pouts and cryptic comments, interfaced with fabulous tap dancing and glass-shattering vocals. Yes, kids, it's a toothy parade of hungry, prowling adjectives describing Twilight: The Musical. Playing in a cave near you.
Teen vampires are "in" now, a reminder that the family who preys together stays together. Like, for centuries. Hoping to rebuild your 401K? Consider investing in Gothic apparel futures.
When it comes to teenage vampires, anyone who's willing to live forever as a 17-year-old has more guts than I do. Personally, the only thing I'd want from those days would be my eyesight. Okay, young knee and hip joints would also be peachy. And the skin tone.
But the shallowness, insecurity and self-absorption of that age? Nah. Fortunately, I've kept all that intact anyway.
But how accurate is the movie version of undead high school hotties? Let's poke around for a closer look.
Originally, Twilight's lead vampire was a pudgy kid in braces, named Spanky Larsen. But the producers cleverly changed the name to Edward Cullen because it rhymed with bedhead and sullen. The current Edward is a lanky dude with an attitude darker than my ex's chest hair and a brow ridge that would dwarf a park pavilion.
So, what we might find inside Edward's school locker? Hmm. Sunless tanning lotion, check. An orthodontic retainer and a smushed hunk of 18th century birthday cake. Check. Ooh, and here's a heart-shaped box of goodies for Bella, his main squeeze.
But instead of lame-o chocolates, the shiny foil papers are packed with Coumadin blood thinner. That Ed, what a lovebunny.
Indeed, Ed's true love and flavor of the month is Bella Swan, a morose chick whose name rolls off the tongue leaving an aftertaste of long-necked prey. In her locker are (1) a hoodie that reads, "Suppersize Me!" (2) a meeting list from Codependents Anonymous; and (3) a dinner bell! OMG, Bella, Y R U a dinna bella 4 U fella?!?
Competing for Bella is Jacob, a werewolf who smells suspiciously like Rogaine. Now's a good time to check out his locker while he's in detention for marking territory in the lunchroom. Whooeee! That locker smells like wet dog! Lookee here, we find an expired rabies tag, chewed Frisbee, toy mailman and…what's this? Eeeeeeeuuw…a pooper scooper!?!
And these crumpled papers? One is a suspension notice for rolling on a decayed woodchuck before homeroom. The other is an invoice from "Critter Gitters" pest control. Seems our Jacob crept over to Bella's house for midnight obedience training and got stuck in the pet door.
How come vampires and werewolves get all the good movie roles? To even things out, I'm producing a TV series about unpopular teen monsters. In one episode a young mummy named Pickles makes the swim team. Though he has a killer butterfly stroke, Pickles' swim career unravels, so to speak, after he clogs the pool filter with ancient spices.
In another show, he protests the school dress code by wearing his wrappings low and baggy, in hip-hop gangsta style. But a look inside Pickles' locker shows a fastidious side, as evidenced by the steam iron, spray starch, and hemming tape.
I've also created a role for Frank Stein, a boy in ill-fitting blazers and high-water pants, with a really bad haircut. He's rebellious and misunderstood by his parents, a plastic surgeon and a fashion designer.
In chemistry class, Frankie bonds with Furina, a she-wolf who shares his terror of Bunsen burners. She lovingly reminds him to not pick at his stitches, and he French-braids her back hair.
As for the current stars of Twilight, how do their lives turn out? Well, Edward eventually dies of high cholesterol, the classic "steak in the heart" for a vampire.
Jacob the wolf returns to the family cattle ranch and falls for their prize heifer.
And Bella? She marries real-life Benjamin Button, thereby becoming (prepare to wince)…a Bella Button.
Copyright © 2010 Mary Tompsett
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