A R'oaz by Any Other Name

"Legolas, quit picking your nose!"

Waiting in the checkout line, I tore my attention from the tabloid photos of Britney Spears' lobotomy, and glanced up. I smiled at a boy mining his nasal passages and the mom who had named him after a Lord of the Rings movie character. Remember Legolas? Think: Orlando Bloom with yellow hair and Doberman ears.

Obviously, popular names have changed since Bobby, Tommy, Karen and Darlene pranced through Mickey Mouse Club roll call. Gee whiz, Annette had the peachiest name of all, didn't she? Back then, if a parent yelled for John or Linda, half of the neighborhood kids deserted our kickball game.

I prefer those simple names, but not because of tradition, family heritage, or blind nostalgia for so-called "simpler" times. No, I like them because they easily fit into my favorite 1965 "message" song with the scathing social commentary that spearheaded the Sixties' upheaval: The Name Game.

Hit it! "Shirley, Shirley, bo birley, banana fana fo firley, fee fi mo mirley. Shirley! Nick, Nick, bo bick…." Ah, we were the future leaders of the Free World.

In 2005 Jacob, Aidan, Emily and Emma topped the roster of popular baby names, and they work fine by Name Game standards. But continents - Asia, Africa, and India - also made the list, as did foods. Not Cookie and Honey, mind you, but names like Jelly, Cashew, and Beans.

Beans?? Whoa! Time out, while we fast-forward to a distant conversation.

Mom, I want Beans at my birthday party.

Beans? I thought you hated beans.

No, I love Beans! And I like Asia too.

Asia?? We don't even allow you to cross the street.

I want Asia and Beans! But no Jelly. Dumb ol' Jelly makes me mad.

Your father and I like jelly. Okay, okay. Stop crying. Beans without jelly. And birthday cake served with, what? Chopsticks?

What if little Beans eventually marries a Frank?? No good. Beans can be a cute nickname, but a child deserves a legal, formal name that conveys dignity and class. Like, say, Flatulencia.

Spelling is changing too, as seen in Ka'Ren, Cha'Nce, and my personal favorite, Ce'Qwoya. The monster of coniferous trees? Save now for the grandkids' therapy sessions. I know, I know. Proud parents want to proclaim their child's uniqueness. But let's not sentence an infant to a lifetime of repeating, "Two t's in lower case, no e, apostrophe, capital DD - pronounced Ted"! Oy vey.

Hold on to your beanies, Mouseketeers. Didn't the State of the Union Address mention more jobs for math and science teachers? It just so happens that skulking inside math and science are myriad mint-condition, low-mileage names! And they mean something! So grab a dictionary while we skate across a plethora of math and science possibilities. Myriad and Plethora. They were, like, two ancient Greeks raised by Dalmatians, right? Anyway, here we go.

Heard at the airport: Polyhedra Warshikovowicz, please pick up any white courtesy phone. At the cheese carving contest: Congratulations to our winners, Joule and Boolean Hansen!

In the classifieds: Gold ring found, engraved with "Love to my wife, Wasserschnicht Inertia Johnson. Whispered in a high school cafeteria: Amygdala told me that Kelvin asked Ulna to the prom! And a mile-long skywriting plea: Marry me, Hoarfrost!

Caution: A name like Pythagorea or Muon-Neutrino looks great on a résumé but could seriously undercut one's anonymity in a Twelve-Step group.

But, what a mother lode we have in The Periodic Table of Elements! Have you taken a peek at that puppy? Yikes! Einsteinium and Californium would be oft-favored picks of parents who are very secure or, perhaps, very insecure.

And who could resist adorable twin toddlers named Hafnium and Holmium? Can you picture Molybdenum Schwartz stenciled on a little Shrek lunch box? Ooh, just makes me shiver.

The Periodic Table is stuffed with names that will pack a solid educational punch while riding the trend to be unique. Terbium, Yttrium, and Ytterbium sound similar, but remember, every element comes with its own atomic number! Guaranteed forever!

The spelling thing still worries me a little. I'd hate to see unchecked creativity decimate the Periodic Table with aberrations like Ka'arbunn, Fos'F'Rus, and Zzzynque. We may need to legislate something…an Apostrophe User Tax.

Then again, thoughtful parents may simply resurrect currently uncool classics like Dave and Cathy, Jim and Jane - spelled the old-fashioned, boring way. Those parents can sleep easy, knowing their offspring will stand out in a sea of Aidans and Emmas.

With luck, name selection might eventually reflect true diversity, happily mixing nonsense with education, like some psychotic national square dance.

But I plan to stay vigilant, just in case someday I overhear a little neighbor kid named Bobby teasing my great nephew: "Yo, Ununquandium! Bet you can't sing the Name Game!"

Copyright © 2006 Mary Tompsett