Victorious Secrets

Those irksome household problems. Egad! Do other people also find it painful to push past the panic, procrastination, or price?

Pardon the spate of alliteration, but it clears the sinuses. Seriously, I'd like to pass along my secret strategies for the home front. Share the wisdom, and all that.

Granted, these techniques are scorned by the Hardware Clerks Union and also, I suspect, by the American Psychiatric Association. But they cost nothing, and offer relief from the tedious daily grind of acting like a grownup. There are side effects, however, such as blurred vision with large, annoying subtitles. And thank goodness, it's summer. My ear muffs don't fit because of the increased growth of ear hair. That said, here goes.

Ask your pets for help.

Cats will, of course, ignore you or sabotage the process. Dogs and hamsters might shoot you a wide-eyed Who, me? look. That leaves reptiles, and success will depend upon a loving relationship - and obedience classes.

That way, when mucky water is backing up into the tub, you can yell with confidence to the family's python, "Muffin, call the plumber! No no, put that wallet away - I'll pay. Just make the call!"

Obviously, this is not logical. I mean, come on. Who in their right mind would name a snake "Muffin"?

Be creative.

Got a ceiling leak? I transformed the leak in my guest bedroom into New Age ambience by positioning a cheap electrical fountain under the drip. Do keep an eye out for larger fountains to hide the mold spreading on the carpet.

And that leaky bathroom pipe? Save money by using my anti-hydration fibrous retardant wicking system. To the untrained eye, this innovative treatment appears to be an old crew sock. I recommend a 90/10 cotton/orlon blend.

Just a minute…I'm getting a psychic vibration here…stubborn leaks…it's getting clearer…yes! In your future, I see bags of cotton tights and a big bucket.

Stay alert.

Recently I tried to put on my rubber boots, repeatedly jamming my foot partially in. What was that lump inside - a twisted liner? When I tipped the boot over, out plopped a mouse with a massive dent on his belly from my big toe. I ran in place for, oh, a minute or so, while my high pitched keening shattered the glass in the front door.

Then the dog and both cats watched me chase the critter with my Rodent Retrieval and Removal Unit, which looks remarkably like a cottage cheese container - low-fat/small curd, for those of you taking notes. I meant to slam it over the mouse, slide the lid underneath and process deportation papers. But the little bugger escaped.

The next day I arrived home after work to the delicious aroma of a roast. Mmm- mmm! For an hour I waited eagerly for supper to be served until, silly me, I remembered that (a) the dog doesn't cook on Tuesdays, and (b) I've been a vegetarian since 1983. It turned out the boot escapee fell asleep by the pilot light and toasted his little mousie buns right on through the pearly gates.

Distract yourself through song.

This method allows me to take action while the smart side of my brain distracts the side with the plate and screws. Or vice versa, it's hard to tell. While working in the yard, I found an ant hill roughly the size of Cleveland. Keeping my cool, I strolled into the house, singing "Lalalalala, I'm not thinking, I'm not thinking!"

Guess I should've been thinking, because I meant to lalala while I called an exterminator and took photos of the mound for National Geographic.

Instead, with a battle cry of Lalalalala! I charged outside to kill the queen by whacking at the mound with a dust mop. Her Highness should be easy to spot, wearing that itsy bitsy tiara, right? Hah! She was safely lost among the hundreds of her loyal subjects and a few office staff that streamed out and up my legs. Ooh, were they peeved!

I flew around the yard in a bizarre public display of belly dancing and kick boxing. Eventually I relocated the ants with an extensive trap-and-release program. Have you ever baited and set hundreds of pea-size traps? A final tip: Never, ever, bring an ant-infested dust mop back into your house.

Now you have my secrets for victory. Hey, I'm having a yard sale this weekend. Anyone need cottage cheese containers? Extra crew socks? I'll give you a deal on a tableful of tiny box traps.

Just my luck, now there's a family of skunks living under my house! But I made my own glue traps out of Elmer's and some pizza boxes, and shoved them into the hole. I'm sure that will solve the problem in time for the sale. Lalalalala. Pretty sure.

Copyright © 2006 Mary Tompsett