Last night my beagle beamed me a practiced Disney-cute look. But I'd fed her already. Or maybe not. Yes…no. Was I cuckoo bananas? The dilemma resolved with a whiff of her bunny-flavored kibble breath.
Some Boomers blame memory lapses on aging. Ha, ha, and I suppose they believe aging causes wrinkles too!?! True, we have empirical evidence that aging indeed causes birthdays, though for years I attributed my cognitive lapses to hormones, stress, and that Mercury retrograde thingy. But the real culprit? Crappy feng shui!
Prison staff pronounce it fen shway, but hey, I never took French. And contrary to popular belief in the Midwest, feng shui has nothing to do with women's wrestling. It's a package of Chinese guidelines to improve the flow of "chi" in one's space. Screw up the chi, my fellow bumpkins, and you'll morph into a country-western song, waving bye-bye to your money, honey, fiddle, Fido, and lucky Bingo charms.
What is this "chi" of which feng shuians speak? Let me demystify the whole enchilada. Think of chi as an ill-planned party of toddlers hopped up on sugar and cheap hot dogs. Such an entity should NEVER be left to loiter in corners, especially with indelible markers around. So we use tools to herd and deceive the beastie.
FIRE - preferably contained.
No fireplace? No pilot light? Draw brick patterns on a large box, and insert a red light behind hanging foil strips. With luck, chi will wander off before you're done singing Kumbayah. Gotta say, doesn't look like chi would ace the Mensa exam.
WATER- Forget fountains and aquariums.
Use a cheap, renewable resource: sweat! Invite those menopausal friends over and feel the chi skidaddle.
No TV in the bedroom. If you insist, cover it with a plastic table cloth after clicking off. But, dang, that means hauling oneself out of bed, right? Well, sleep in a raincoat! The plastic deflects nasty vibes, and the resulting five pints of sweat will whoosh that chi baby away.
EARTH - ideally represented by the colors beige and yellow.
Pet owners, however, utilize the subtler hues of mud-brown and cat-puke gold. Speaking of colors, blue or green can help with weight loss, particularly if the food also turns fuzzy. The only color we want on the carrot cake, my love, is orange.
CURVES and MIRRORS - individually good for chasing chi out of corners, but powerful when used together. A strategically placed convex shoplifting mirror - stolen, of course - will do wonders.
METAL - Feng shui recommends windchimes, but in truth, the bars on the psych ward windows work fine.
Okay, gals and a few guys, remember trying to sleep with our hair in wire brush rollers? Dreadful! That's because chi trampled us as it fled the bedroom, taking with it, of course, any hope for an amorous encounter that night.
RELATIONSHIPS - Gosh, I'd have to say my most meaningful ones are with the carryout menu, fleece throw, and the TV guide. Oh. You mean people??
To improve your love chi, display photos of happy couples. When my faded poster of Roy and Dale lost its punch, I shook up the love chi by setting life-size mannequins of my four grandparents in the bedroom. Yeah, creepy. I'll be dating again soon, once the bedwetting and nightmares stop.
POWER SPOTS - Our everyday pockets of energy: banned books, blackmail photos, coffee pot, and cookie jar.
SECRET ARROWS - An obtuse Chinese term that roughly translates to "Yo, mama, ditch the plaid!" Yes, plaids send out more secret arrows than a passive-aggressive in-law. That's why traditional Chinese garb expressly prohibits wearing golf slacks in primary colors.
A final thought: Red sofas are taboo! Sorry, that scarlet nine-piece sectional in your law firm has to go. Why? Ah…jeepers, I don't remember.
So tonight I'll wear my raincoat and brush rollers to watch old Fear Factor reruns while lounging by a foil "fire." That should goose the ol' memory bank.
Copyright © 2008 Mary Tompsett
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