Our Menu Has Changed

"Please listen carefully, as our menu has changed."

Changed? Let me guess. They've finally dropped the Sweet and Sour Liver on Thursdays? Ooh, ooh, I know! They took my suggestion and added Ensure cheesecake to the senior specials!?!

Nope, this phone message has nothing to do with food. It's the spiel given by businesses to supposedly funnel calls to appropriate personnel for better service. But while I move through this telephonic chute, I often feel compelled to moo.

Tell me, when was the last time you noticed, much less cared, that Sears moved Draperies from a "Press Four" to a "Press Five"? Perhaps you did notice that insurance and utility companies are quick to report these changes, yet the little darlings often forget to mention that they upped their rates.

Sometimes menus are useless, as in the dreaded call to computer tech support. Please, don't let me be the only one who can't focus on the menu and select the right option while breathing into a paper bag. And when we finally put down the bag and bumble through a description and imitation of the pig-like squeal coming from the hard drive, what happens? The service rep answers with rapid-fire techie talk in broken English. This can trigger such profuse sweating that some of us have actually shorted out our hearing aids and clogged the computer mouse with salt.

I propose that we scrap the business jargon and get down to the nitty gritty. Weed out those of us who don't know diddly from those who know a lot of it. Opening menu choices for tech support might run like this:

If you're late for your Mensa meeting and don't have time to reconfigure the mother board, press One now. The smarty-pants who press this option can enjoy an invigorating discussion about the controversy over binomial ancillary quadrants shifting from analog to digital compressibility.

You think I made that up, right? Last week the topic spawned a fistfight on the Jerry Springer show.

If you have a moderately serious problem, press Two and a third-grader will assist you. Now we're getting somewhere! Granted, we may be technologically clueless, but we were damn hot stuff at the dials of an Etch-a-Sketch.

And when the computer is slowly rolling belly up, we might hear: Is the problem making you dizzy or nauseous? Lie down and press Three. An old-fashioned grandma with blue hair will make "oh dear" noises at you and air-ship a batch of fudge.

Further instructions: Grab a calculator and enter the year of your high school graduation. Subtract the number of languages you speak. Multiply that answer by pi to the 8th decimal. This is your estimated wait time for a representative. Be prepared to put one of your grandchildren on the line to describe the problem.

Reflecting the reality of global tech support, additional choices might be: What is the hardest accent for you to understand? (1) New Jersey teens, (2) Cleveland's west side, (3) Chinese with a mouthful of Ramen noodles, or (4) German with a stutter.

Thank you. While we search for a representative with the accent you designated as most difficult, you may choose from the following: Press One for tips on managing panic attacks. Press Two to repeat the first choice. Press Three to hear a list of supplements to improve memory. Press Four to take a hearing exam…we repeat, for the hearing test, press Four! Is that vein bulging in your forehead? Press Five to sign up for anger management.

While waiting on the line, we'll be validated as we groove to a recording of the Stones' Can't Get No Satisfaction - performed, of course, by the flutist Zamfir.

Golly, what a perfect time to grab a toothpick and clean the keyboard. I'm seeing enough crumbs in mine right now to feed a family of four. Maybe I should change my menu?

Copyright © 2006 Mary Tompsett