Ham Cam Report

Host: "According to the Chinese Zodiak, 2007 is the Year of the Pig. And here with me now in our studio are two world-famous porcine personalities - Porky Pig and Miss Piggy!"

(The pigs toddle in and take their seats. Porky swipes a hanky across his large forehead and fidgets while Miss Piggy, wearing a low-cut evening gown, shakes her blonde curls and arranges herself seductively.)

Host: "Instead of today's Sky Cam traffic report, we're presenting this special Ham Cam Report to celebrate the new year. Who would like to start us off?"

Miss Piggy: "Meeeeee! Hooray for a Pig Year! 365 Days of Swine and Roses! You know, it's never too late to convert to Pigism. (She leans in against Porky.) Where you from, big boy?"

Porky gawks at her plunging neckline. "C-c-c-cleavage, Ohio."

Host: "Cleveland! Great city. I hear Ted Danson was born in the Year of the Pig."

Miss Piggy: "Ted? Oooh, what a dreamboat. Too bad he wears a piece. How about Kevin Bacon? Mmmm. I could hootchie kootchie his hams all day long and -"

The host clears his throat and says, "Yes, well, the Chinese say Pig Year people are loyal and compatible with Sheep."

Miss P: "Sheep?! Don't believe those restaurant placemats. We're vivacious, voluptuous and very attracted to frogs." (Stretches, fluffs her hair.)

Porky, still staring: "It's also c-c-called the Year of the B-B-Bare. Er, Boar."

Miss P: "Bore?!? Moi?? I am NOT boring! You watch it, porko!"

Porky: "I'm s-s-s-sorry, Miss P-p-p-p-"

Miss P: "Call me Your Swineness." (Looks Porky up and down.) "For a pudgy bald guy, you're kinda cute. You gotta lose that jacket, though. Way too small."

Porky (still staring): "But it's my b-b-b-breast one. Er, best!"

Miss P: "And sweetie, that bow tie might've wowed 'em in 1935, but it won't flutter anyone's bloomers now. Let me set you up with my wardrobe designer."

Host: "So, Porky, you began entertaining in 1935? Porky? Excuse me, Porky?"

Porky at last turns to look at the host. "Y-y-yes, lots of g-g-g-good mammaries."

Host: "Memories, uh-huh. I hear Pig Year folks have a real a thirst for knowledge."

Miss P: "Thirsty, yes! All this talking. Pass me that water, please. Hey, why aren't the three little pigs here? Now that's a story made for reality TV!"

Porky squirms in his chair. "The b-b-b-big, b-b-b-b-b-b-"

Host: "Yes, a big, bad wolf ate two of them."

Miss P: "No! That's macho mythology. The pigs were lovely starlets auditioning for a Broadway production of Porky and Bets when -"

Host: "You mean Porgy and Bess?"

Miss Piggy waves her arms. "Don't interrupt! No, Porky and Bets - it's about a pig with a gambling problem. Anyway, the first piglet tried out, but she had dry hair the texture of…maybe…."

Porky: "S-s-s-s-straw."

Miss P: "Yes! So she didn't make the cut. The second piglet's hair was dull and straight as…let me think…."

Porky: "S-s-s-s-sticks."

Miss P: "Right on, baldy! They tossed her out too. But the third one - yowee! Gorgeous curly hair - like mine - the color of shiny yellow…."

Porky: "B-b-b-bricks."

Miss P: "Bricks?? NOT!!!! Hair like gold silk! Like sunbeams! She became a star, like moi. The wolf's career ended after his role in Little Red Riding Hood. He now runs a home care service for elderly shut-ins."

Porky: "That's n-n-n-not how the story g-g-g-g-"

Miss P: Hey, that's my version, so put a sock in it."

Porky looks at his hooves. "I'm n-not wearing s-s-s - not wearing s-s-s - any."

Host: "Would you share a parting thought with our audience?"

Porky leaps up and raises his fist in the air. "S-s-s-support the BLT!"

Miss Piggy shrieks, "BLT?!?"

Host: "You can't mean the, ah, sandwich…?"

Porky: "B-b-benevolent League of T-t-t-tubbiness."

Miss Piggy blows kisses to all. "Have a fabulous Pig Year that's tubby with dreams and porked up with promise!"

Copyright © 2006 Mary Tompsett