Lumpy Girl Claire's Diet
- Over Exposed

Ok, I guess that I have totally missed the season here.

I should have shopped back in February and March when there were plenty of styles and sizes available. I just couldn't bear to see myself in a swimsuit when there was snow on the ground and my skin was that pasty winter white.

Now there are just a few suits available because it's the beginning of July and they had to make room for all the corduroy for fall. The good news about this is that fall is ¾ sleeve weather and the stores are loaded with cute tops.

The other good news is that, if you can find a swimsuit in your size, it is just a fraction of the original, outrageous price.

I have heard it said that there is a swimsuit that is good for every figure flaw. That's just not true. I have flaws that no swimsuit could ever disguise.

Swimsuits only cover your torso. My biggest flaws happen outside that perimeter. There is no suit in the world that can camouflage lumpy thighs and flabby upper arms.

Despite this knowledge, I headed off to the department store to buy one.

One important thing to keep in mind when shopping for a swimsuit: forget about the size. It's just like pantyhose and jeans. Sometimes you need to wear a bigger size to be comfortable. Cut the tag out if it makes you feel better.

I grabbed every different style of suit in a three-size range and headed off to the dressing room. I wasn't sure what would look best on me. None of the suits looked good on the hangers. Some looked awful. I tried them all on anyway.

Things I found out:

• Halter-tops hurt my neck now that I have breasts.
• Horizontal stripes occur with alarming frequency in the larger sizes.
• Wide-legged shorts suits - not a good thing over wide legs.
• The larger the size suit, the uglier the fabric. Why are all the cute ones in the junior department?
• The drag coefficient of spandex against skin is significant enough to bruise.

I know my figure flaws will still be laid bare for public scrutiny. There's nothing I can do about that. I have to take off my cover-up and leave it on the beach when I walk out into the water.

I try to be inconspicuous, but as soon as I start to walk, my flabby parts commence to jiggle and wave as if to say "Hey, everybody! Here we are! We're going swimming! Woo Hoo! Look at us!"

I'm sure that I am the only one who can hear them. Everyone else is too busy listing to his or her own body parts. Fortunately, the water has a muting effect and once I'm in all I hear is the lapping of the water against the shore.

Then I will remember why I put myself through this entire trauma: the glory of being at the beach, in the water, on a beautiful sunny day.

Some journeys are worth the trip, no matter how embarrassing - even if it's only a few feet across the sand.

Claire