Lumpy Girl 2006

There's a new Lumpy Girl in town. She's 20 pounds lighter than the last, but looks pretty much the same to me.

I could have sworn that just a month or so ago she was the Skinny Girl. She's wearing the same Skinny Girl clothes. Her weight's still the same when she steps on the scales. Yet, somehow she's changed.

I guess when I compared her to that 20-pounds-ago girl she looked pretty skinny. But the original Lumpy Girl has faded from my memory so I can no longer see the Better Than Lumpy Girl, only the Less Than Skinny one.

Part of the problem is that I stopped exercising. I didn't gain more than a couple of pounds back but the lumps that I had smoothed and toned away with my daily walking have reappeared. My pants are just a little too snug in the thigh - just one thigh - how is that possible?! My belly is starting to mushroom over the tops of my jeans. Even my bras are starting to feel a little snug.

Clearly, a pound of fat takes up much more space than a pound of muscle. I need to reverse this trend and get back on track.

I'm tired of making "lose weight" a resolution each year. That's not really my goal. My goal is to take the weight off and keep it off. Not have it be a once a year event, but something that is part of my everyday routine and as natural as breathing. Now that's a goal!

The last time I was at my goal weight was 12 years ago. That's two years before I moved to the Cleveland area.

None of my friends here know me as anything other than Lumpy. They probably think I've always looked this way. They don't know the real me that's underneath this extra flesh. I don't think I know her anymore either.

Taking the rest of this weight off is going to be a challenge. I'm going to have to stick to my diet better with less cheating if I want to see results. That's going to mean fewer cheeseburger binges and being prepared with proper foods and snacks. Not my strong suit.

I'm going to have to make exercise part of my daily routine, no matter the weather or my schedule. Keeping my body moving is going to have to be a priority. Lumpy and I don't like this either.

And most challenging of all, I'm going to have to face whatever I've been hiding with this extra weight. It's not escaped me that my weight gain began when my marriage ended. Some of the gain could be coincidental age-related issues, but I'm guessing that's not the major cause.

When I look in the mirror at the Lumpy Girl, I know that part of me is going to miss her. In some ways, life is easier with a few extra pounds of insulation. It's a built-in excuse for why things don't work or to not even try. What will I hide behind when the weight is gone?

I know that scientifically, losing weight is simply calories in versus calories out. Eat less and exercise more. But losing weight is not just about knowing what to do. If it were then I'd already be the Skinny Girl.

In reality, losing weight, at least for me, is more about getting myself to a place emotionally where I am ready and able to eat less and exercise more. There's some mental work that needs to be done.

That's my real challenge and probably explains the Christmas cookie chow-down that has been going on in anticipation of starting my diet again. I think I'm afraid of what/who lies beneath my lumpy exterior. That girl got herself hurt pretty bad and has been hiding out for a long time. Is she ready to face the world again?

Ready or not, Skinny Girl, here I come. I'm looking forward to seeing you at the end of the line. We have a lot of catching up to do.

Claire